Turning the Page

I slept fine last night, after a good cry. I completely attribute this to the comfort of my God. The OB offered Ambien since a lot of women who experience what I have can not sleep for grief and stress. Praise the Lord who gives His beloved sleep.
I am so glad for the title of this blog because my cup truly does run over. My sweet, precious girl is such a gift and it's been so wonderful just to hold her and look into her big, beautiful eyes. God has truly blessed me. I am also blessed in so many ways regarding the miscarriage. I already mentioned that I would have much rather never seen a heartbeat, just the way it happened. It's also been an uneventful and easy 9 weeks to be pregnant. I am also extremely grateful that my body did not cleanse itself during the last two weeks. Not only would it have been incovenient, but also traumatizing. This way, I am having a chance to start the emotional healing process and prepare for the physical process.
I won't be returning to this blog any more and will probably start a new one when we conceive again. Or I may just keep this one and begin a new chapter.... we'll see. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

To be Continued...

"This isn't what I expected at all." the OB said today in the ultrasound room. "The baby doesn't have a heartbeat."
The baby was seven weeks old when he stopped growing. At first, after Dr. Moses told me, I felt very detached. After all, I'd never seen my little one and seeing him for the first time was going to make it all feel really real. But as I've said previously, this time did feel more real than the first time. I knew he was there. I could see in Eden, what he could become. I'm thankful that I never saw a heartbeat if a miscarriage was imminent. I think it would be much more painful to have seen a heartbeat on that screen and later, see the lack of one.
Then the OB just kept saying "I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry," and a wave of grief washed over me. I cried uncontrollably as I listened to her explain my options: a dangerous drug called Cytotech to induce labor, surgery to remove the baby or a natural abortion. What an awful word. That's what it is, though. I continued to cry all the way to the car and on and off until now, which, of course is only natural. It's amazing how I could be so grief stricken about something I had never seen, had only been aware of for a little over a month, and doesn't even have arms and legs. It's a mom thing, I guess.
For now, I have the surgery scheduled for Monday. I don't know really what I wish to happen. No option is appealing. Cytotech is out of the question and both natural and surgical abortion are scary. I can totally understand a woman wanting to get the fetus out of her body as soon as possible with surgery. The doc said I could call up and they could do it tomorrow if I wanted. I feel a strange peace that's telling me to just wait. Wait on God. Wait on my body. Wait for wisdom. I'm not saying I've made the decision to do this naturally. I certainly didn't prepare for this type of labor, but a part of me hopes it just happens tonight or tomorrow so I don't have a decision to make.
15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't believe this is God's will or His best. I believe it is a product of a fallen world full of sickness and death and brought by the one who desires to steal, kill and destroy. My faith in the One who is my strength and my life will not waiver. I cannot explain everything away, but I know He never fails. His love for me is from everlasting to everlasting and His truth endures to all generations. If anyone can understand, He can and if anyone can comfort, He can. My life cannot be the same after this experience and the experience still soon to come, but I put my life in His capable hands. I know He will lift me up and give me strength. I am not saying all these things because I already feel them, but because I know they are true and the truth can set me free... from my despair, my fear and my confusion.
This will not stop us from trying again and I am still hoping that Eden will have a sibling by the end of next year. I will use this time to continue to get in shape and to enjoy even more the preciousness of my baby girl.

Reality Check

Have you been into a maternity clothing store where they have the strap-on belly in the dressing room? I've strapped on several in my time. (Sounds like I have more than one kid.) Anyway, last pregnancy, I loved putting that thing on to see how the clothes were going to look in three months or so. There are some that are just a round pillow with velcro straps and then there are fancy ones that are some sort of moulded plastic covered with fabric. The latter are the most authentic. But, I have to say that if they wanted to be really authentic they would provide you with a couple other things in the dressing room. There needs to be a strap-on butt and strap-on thighs too. You don't realize that those pants that still have plenty of room for your growing belly, but fit everywhere else, are gonna be too small everywhere else while they still fit your belly. At least that's my experience from the first time around. I'm actually trying to have a different experience this time as I continue to resist (most of the time) my cravings and make it to the gym at least a couple of times a week.
My first OB appointment is tomorrow, so I'll have my first official weigh in.... and ultrasound! I'll let you know how everything goes.

Belly Shot

This is 9 weeks on the dot.

I have to admit that if I tighten my abs, I don't look as pregnant, but this is me relaxed. I remember last time getting to a point where it didn't matter if my abs were tight or not, that belly's gonna stick out. I'm not there yet, but I'm enjoying the first signs of baby.

Since everyone's already playing Christmas music and has Christmas decorations out. I thought I'd join in with my Christmasy pj pants. Actually, these are all I could find to lounge in the morning after we arrived back in Mississippi from our 10 day stay in Atlanta. I need cheer wherever I can find it today, though. I've been sick for about 3-4 days and I'm not better today, but worse. I'm so glad Eden's relatively easy and still takes naps. I'll be using her nap times as my own, for sure.

Growth

My little kidney bean is supposed to have webbed toes and fingers now and can already bend his elbows and knees. Amazing! For being the size of a kidney bean, he sure is making my pants feel uncomfortably tight. I'm looking forward to maternity wear, so I really don't mind growing out of my regular pants. It's the tush that I would rather not grow. Belly, fine, tush, not so much. I think I'm just as excited about starting to actually look pregnant this time as I was the first go round.
I don't know if it's actually possible to feel a kidney bean-sized person move in your belly, but I swear I felt a tiny little bumpity in there this morning. I felt Eden inside me at 12 weeks, so maybe it's possible to feel this one at 8? And either that means I'm verrrrry sensitive to it, or he's going to be one heck of a kicker!
We're going to spend some time up at the lake house for the next couple of days. I think it will be a nice time of relaxation and reflection. This will probably be the last time we're at the lake house as a family of three. My time with Eden and my ability to give her all my attention has become very precious. I am very aware of the fleeting moments we have, just the two of us or just the three of us, just like I was aware of the time of just me and my husband growing shorter as my belly grew bigger the first time. It makes me a little sad, because it seems like it was so short, but, at the same time, the fact that I'm making these moments true memories makes them count more and I'll be able to look back and remember the treasure of our time with our only Eden.

Belly Shot

Here's 7 weeks 3 days. I'm thinking I'm not looking any different here than last week. These are the smallest jeans I've been able to fit into since having Eden and they're a bit tight when I first put them on, but after they stretch out, they're still ok.

I am putting at least one pair of maternity jeans into my drawer now and I've also been wearing my jeans a size up from this with a belt to give my pudge some room.

I've been really good about not giving in to every craving (like a huge ice cream cookie sandwich at Sal and Mookie's or a double cheesburger from Wendy's at 3 in the afternoon) and hopefully that will continue for the most part. It's fun to give in sometimes. I do have an extra 300 calories a day to consume. I definitely plan to not worry about calories during Thanksgiving like I might have if I wasn't pregnant. Chuck and I continue to spur each other on in our workouts and I feel like we're both probably the most fitness oriented we've been since the beginning of our marriage. It's nice to have a partner in fitness.

Lookin' good, by the way, honey!! <3

Life and Family

I'll be voting in a couple of days. I'm ashamed to say that I don't think I've ever voted in a presedential election. It's important every time, but this year feels particularly crucial. I've decided, for me, the issues to vote on are not taxes or the environment, but life and family. I am extremely aware, as a new life grows inside of me, of the horrible atrocity of abortion. I won't go on about it, but one candidate is not commited to protecting life and one is.
The family structure as God created it, male and female, is also at stake. If we allow the family unit to crumble, our nation will follow. The candidates are also very clear on their differences in this issue.
My vote is with life and family. God will have to take it from there because only He can direct the hearts of kings and leaders.

Not a Good Reason??

Belly Shot

I don't know why this picture turned out so tiny, but here's my first belly shot. It's not exactly a "before" picture, because I think I am already seeing a bit of a difference. By the same token, I certainly didn't have a flat stomach 6 weeks ago.
I'll try to make it bigger next time...

Prayer and Planning

There he is, my little lentil bean with a heart the size of a poppy seed. According to my weekly emails, these next couple of weeks are crucial to the major organ development in my little june bug. If you think of saying a prayer for him, I'm sure he would appreciate it. Eden and I are still praying for him every morning. I kinda want her first word to be "amen." Wouldn't that be cool?! I keep trying to get her to say it, but no success yet.

I'm already planning for cloth diapering the new addition. I've been busy on Diaper Swappers trading diapers I don't use for gender neutral useful ones and selling some to buy newborn sizes. We borrowed all our newborn diapers for Eden, but that turns out to be really great, because, not only did we not have to spend the money the first time around, but now I know exactly what brand I like. There are dozens out there and everyone has their favorite so I would have been aimlessly buying a few here and a few there. It's definitely hit or miss with cloth diapering, but once you've hit upon what you like to use... man, it saves a truckload of money! This time it's not nearly as painful to think about spending $25 on 7 used, re-usable cloth diapers (which is a DEAL, by the way... got that adrenaline rush again) because I know I'd be spending that much at Target on sposies in a few weeks time.

One diaper I traded, I thought I was trading for a gender neutral diaper. It was baby blue with large polkadots and pictures of various dog breeds. I got it in the mail yesterday and I love it. It fits Eden perfectly with room to grow, but those large polkadots... they're pink. Great for Eden. Not so great for the baby boy. He'll be man enough for pink polkadots, right? Even though I'm trading for all these neutral prints and colors, I'm sure if it is a boy, that I will want to get some unmistakeably boyish patterns too. That's the whole reason for me to find out the sex (and to have a name), so that I can plan NON-gender neutral clothing an accessories. This is probably the last one, folks. If it's a boy, I'm doin' it ALL boy.

Except that he's gonna have to stay in his sister's room. Oh well.

Pesky Keys

Baby brain alert! This is a really bad one folks. And I'm expecting more of the same as things progress. I remember this from the last go round.
I decided to have an outing to Target. Sometimes it's just too much to carry Eden and her diaper bag to the car at once (that sounds pretty lame) so I carry her out and strap her in first. I got my keys, remotely unlocked the doors, grabbed Eden and carried her out. I got her all strapped in and walked back to the house, only to find the door locked. I had apparently turned the knob-lock on the way out without even realizing it out of habit. My first thought is, I can drive to get Chuck's keys from him at work. Then I realize I don't have a cell phone to locate him in the hospital because I didn't carry my diaper bag out with us. Then I realize, more importantly, I have no keys. Hello!? My car keys and house keys are on the same keychain. This is just showing you how well my brain is working...
After thinking through what windows might be unlocked and checking the sliding glass door with no luck, imagining Eden crying with a poopy diaper and needing to eat, and generally thinking the worst, I decide to take Eden and walk to a neighbor's house, ask to use their phone to call Chuck and hope that he can bring the keys home for a second. As Eden and I are walking around the edge of our huge yard to get to the neighbor that I know, I think to myself, "maybe the reason you locked the door was because you had the keys in your hand.. that's why it was habit." I turn around and run through the wet lawn, Eden bouncing in my arms (thinking I'm crazy, I'm sure) back to the car. I open the back door and sure enough, there are my keys in the back seat. *roll eyes*
My heart definitely got a workout with that one. It could have been worse and more embarassing, had I gotten the neighbor and Chuck involved, but thanks to the Holy Spirit, I was saved that amount of embarassment.

A Smidge of Everything

I'm one day shy of five weeks along. I don't think it's appropriate to put a belly pic up yet. I think 6 weeks is a good marker, so I'll have one up here next week. My weekly markers fall on the same day (Monday) as they did with Eden. Kind-of interesting in a ho-hum way. :)
Thus far, I'm feeling just a few minor effects of pregnancy. I found out last night that I CAN overdo it with the physical activity. I went to a ballroom dance and danced from 8-11pm with few breaks. It was certainly nice to be popular, but I just didn't realize until I got home... and then even more when I woke up this morning that I had probably done a smidge too much activity. I'm feeling just a bit weak and sickish today and will probalby slurp soup and lay on the couch all day. My only other symptoms are hunger in between meals, very frequent urination and feeling bloated. I feel like my jeans are already tighter, but that could just be from eating out three nights in a row.
Since I'm still about 15 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight from having Eden, I would really like to limit my weight gain this time around. I gained over 50 lbs. with Eden and I really don't think that's necessary again. Don't worry, I'm going to eat healthy and enough. I don't think there's any stopping me from eating enough and I'm in the process of stocking our cabinets with healthy snacks. I've already bought some maternity clothes and most of the pants and jeans are pretty loose, so my goal is to not have to size up this time. I'll just fill those out and we'll be good.
I'm already talking and praying with Eden about her new brother. (Sometimes I just say, "the baby" and sometimes I say, "baby brother.") I'm still pretty convinced that it's a boy this time. Just a wierd gut feeling. Maybe that's also from eating out the last three nights in a row. One thing that doesn't sound right when I say it is the only "C" name that we both kind-of like. When I call this baby by that name, it just doesn't flow.
Anyway, I'm trying to talk about the new baby often and trying to think, for my own sake, of areas where I need to begin preparations now, mental and otherwise, for the reality of two. The only thing I'm really realizing is that with no personal life experience with siblings, I'm feeling pretty lost. It's not the relational things that I'm concerned with. I feel like my comunication skills and people skills will serve me well. And I've been reading "Don't Make Me Count to Three" which has plenty of scenarios that have helped me imagine mediations with two. It's the every day tasks: getting two dressed, getting two bathed, getting two to the supermarket, getting around the supermarket with two, etc. that I can't wrap my brain around. I suppose once I work out my system for each task, I'll be able to repeat it and then I'll be fine. I'm pretty sure the word "floundering" will be appropriate, though, for a few months after the baby is born. I'm not looking forward to that time. I'm looking forward to getting beyond that time.
My cup will be running over with things to do, things to learn, feats to accomplish... but I am praying that God will still cause my cup to run over with His love, His peace, His wisdom and His joy.

The baby's crying

My first post on this blog about my second pregnancy is:
The baby's crying and I can't write any more right now.