To be Continued...

"This isn't what I expected at all." the OB said today in the ultrasound room. "The baby doesn't have a heartbeat."
The baby was seven weeks old when he stopped growing. At first, after Dr. Moses told me, I felt very detached. After all, I'd never seen my little one and seeing him for the first time was going to make it all feel really real. But as I've said previously, this time did feel more real than the first time. I knew he was there. I could see in Eden, what he could become. I'm thankful that I never saw a heartbeat if a miscarriage was imminent. I think it would be much more painful to have seen a heartbeat on that screen and later, see the lack of one.
Then the OB just kept saying "I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry," and a wave of grief washed over me. I cried uncontrollably as I listened to her explain my options: a dangerous drug called Cytotech to induce labor, surgery to remove the baby or a natural abortion. What an awful word. That's what it is, though. I continued to cry all the way to the car and on and off until now, which, of course is only natural. It's amazing how I could be so grief stricken about something I had never seen, had only been aware of for a little over a month, and doesn't even have arms and legs. It's a mom thing, I guess.
For now, I have the surgery scheduled for Monday. I don't know really what I wish to happen. No option is appealing. Cytotech is out of the question and both natural and surgical abortion are scary. I can totally understand a woman wanting to get the fetus out of her body as soon as possible with surgery. The doc said I could call up and they could do it tomorrow if I wanted. I feel a strange peace that's telling me to just wait. Wait on God. Wait on my body. Wait for wisdom. I'm not saying I've made the decision to do this naturally. I certainly didn't prepare for this type of labor, but a part of me hopes it just happens tonight or tomorrow so I don't have a decision to make.
15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't believe this is God's will or His best. I believe it is a product of a fallen world full of sickness and death and brought by the one who desires to steal, kill and destroy. My faith in the One who is my strength and my life will not waiver. I cannot explain everything away, but I know He never fails. His love for me is from everlasting to everlasting and His truth endures to all generations. If anyone can understand, He can and if anyone can comfort, He can. My life cannot be the same after this experience and the experience still soon to come, but I put my life in His capable hands. I know He will lift me up and give me strength. I am not saying all these things because I already feel them, but because I know they are true and the truth can set me free... from my despair, my fear and my confusion.
This will not stop us from trying again and I am still hoping that Eden will have a sibling by the end of next year. I will use this time to continue to get in shape and to enjoy even more the preciousness of my baby girl.