Turning the Page

I slept fine last night, after a good cry. I completely attribute this to the comfort of my God. The OB offered Ambien since a lot of women who experience what I have can not sleep for grief and stress. Praise the Lord who gives His beloved sleep.
I am so glad for the title of this blog because my cup truly does run over. My sweet, precious girl is such a gift and it's been so wonderful just to hold her and look into her big, beautiful eyes. God has truly blessed me. I am also blessed in so many ways regarding the miscarriage. I already mentioned that I would have much rather never seen a heartbeat, just the way it happened. It's also been an uneventful and easy 9 weeks to be pregnant. I am also extremely grateful that my body did not cleanse itself during the last two weeks. Not only would it have been incovenient, but also traumatizing. This way, I am having a chance to start the emotional healing process and prepare for the physical process.
I won't be returning to this blog any more and will probably start a new one when we conceive again. Or I may just keep this one and begin a new chapter.... we'll see. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

To be Continued...

"This isn't what I expected at all." the OB said today in the ultrasound room. "The baby doesn't have a heartbeat."
The baby was seven weeks old when he stopped growing. At first, after Dr. Moses told me, I felt very detached. After all, I'd never seen my little one and seeing him for the first time was going to make it all feel really real. But as I've said previously, this time did feel more real than the first time. I knew he was there. I could see in Eden, what he could become. I'm thankful that I never saw a heartbeat if a miscarriage was imminent. I think it would be much more painful to have seen a heartbeat on that screen and later, see the lack of one.
Then the OB just kept saying "I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry," and a wave of grief washed over me. I cried uncontrollably as I listened to her explain my options: a dangerous drug called Cytotech to induce labor, surgery to remove the baby or a natural abortion. What an awful word. That's what it is, though. I continued to cry all the way to the car and on and off until now, which, of course is only natural. It's amazing how I could be so grief stricken about something I had never seen, had only been aware of for a little over a month, and doesn't even have arms and legs. It's a mom thing, I guess.
For now, I have the surgery scheduled for Monday. I don't know really what I wish to happen. No option is appealing. Cytotech is out of the question and both natural and surgical abortion are scary. I can totally understand a woman wanting to get the fetus out of her body as soon as possible with surgery. The doc said I could call up and they could do it tomorrow if I wanted. I feel a strange peace that's telling me to just wait. Wait on God. Wait on my body. Wait for wisdom. I'm not saying I've made the decision to do this naturally. I certainly didn't prepare for this type of labor, but a part of me hopes it just happens tonight or tomorrow so I don't have a decision to make.
15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't believe this is God's will or His best. I believe it is a product of a fallen world full of sickness and death and brought by the one who desires to steal, kill and destroy. My faith in the One who is my strength and my life will not waiver. I cannot explain everything away, but I know He never fails. His love for me is from everlasting to everlasting and His truth endures to all generations. If anyone can understand, He can and if anyone can comfort, He can. My life cannot be the same after this experience and the experience still soon to come, but I put my life in His capable hands. I know He will lift me up and give me strength. I am not saying all these things because I already feel them, but because I know they are true and the truth can set me free... from my despair, my fear and my confusion.
This will not stop us from trying again and I am still hoping that Eden will have a sibling by the end of next year. I will use this time to continue to get in shape and to enjoy even more the preciousness of my baby girl.

Reality Check

Have you been into a maternity clothing store where they have the strap-on belly in the dressing room? I've strapped on several in my time. (Sounds like I have more than one kid.) Anyway, last pregnancy, I loved putting that thing on to see how the clothes were going to look in three months or so. There are some that are just a round pillow with velcro straps and then there are fancy ones that are some sort of moulded plastic covered with fabric. The latter are the most authentic. But, I have to say that if they wanted to be really authentic they would provide you with a couple other things in the dressing room. There needs to be a strap-on butt and strap-on thighs too. You don't realize that those pants that still have plenty of room for your growing belly, but fit everywhere else, are gonna be too small everywhere else while they still fit your belly. At least that's my experience from the first time around. I'm actually trying to have a different experience this time as I continue to resist (most of the time) my cravings and make it to the gym at least a couple of times a week.
My first OB appointment is tomorrow, so I'll have my first official weigh in.... and ultrasound! I'll let you know how everything goes.

Belly Shot

This is 9 weeks on the dot.

I have to admit that if I tighten my abs, I don't look as pregnant, but this is me relaxed. I remember last time getting to a point where it didn't matter if my abs were tight or not, that belly's gonna stick out. I'm not there yet, but I'm enjoying the first signs of baby.

Since everyone's already playing Christmas music and has Christmas decorations out. I thought I'd join in with my Christmasy pj pants. Actually, these are all I could find to lounge in the morning after we arrived back in Mississippi from our 10 day stay in Atlanta. I need cheer wherever I can find it today, though. I've been sick for about 3-4 days and I'm not better today, but worse. I'm so glad Eden's relatively easy and still takes naps. I'll be using her nap times as my own, for sure.

Growth

My little kidney bean is supposed to have webbed toes and fingers now and can already bend his elbows and knees. Amazing! For being the size of a kidney bean, he sure is making my pants feel uncomfortably tight. I'm looking forward to maternity wear, so I really don't mind growing out of my regular pants. It's the tush that I would rather not grow. Belly, fine, tush, not so much. I think I'm just as excited about starting to actually look pregnant this time as I was the first go round.
I don't know if it's actually possible to feel a kidney bean-sized person move in your belly, but I swear I felt a tiny little bumpity in there this morning. I felt Eden inside me at 12 weeks, so maybe it's possible to feel this one at 8? And either that means I'm verrrrry sensitive to it, or he's going to be one heck of a kicker!
We're going to spend some time up at the lake house for the next couple of days. I think it will be a nice time of relaxation and reflection. This will probably be the last time we're at the lake house as a family of three. My time with Eden and my ability to give her all my attention has become very precious. I am very aware of the fleeting moments we have, just the two of us or just the three of us, just like I was aware of the time of just me and my husband growing shorter as my belly grew bigger the first time. It makes me a little sad, because it seems like it was so short, but, at the same time, the fact that I'm making these moments true memories makes them count more and I'll be able to look back and remember the treasure of our time with our only Eden.

Belly Shot

Here's 7 weeks 3 days. I'm thinking I'm not looking any different here than last week. These are the smallest jeans I've been able to fit into since having Eden and they're a bit tight when I first put them on, but after they stretch out, they're still ok.

I am putting at least one pair of maternity jeans into my drawer now and I've also been wearing my jeans a size up from this with a belt to give my pudge some room.

I've been really good about not giving in to every craving (like a huge ice cream cookie sandwich at Sal and Mookie's or a double cheesburger from Wendy's at 3 in the afternoon) and hopefully that will continue for the most part. It's fun to give in sometimes. I do have an extra 300 calories a day to consume. I definitely plan to not worry about calories during Thanksgiving like I might have if I wasn't pregnant. Chuck and I continue to spur each other on in our workouts and I feel like we're both probably the most fitness oriented we've been since the beginning of our marriage. It's nice to have a partner in fitness.

Lookin' good, by the way, honey!! <3

Life and Family

I'll be voting in a couple of days. I'm ashamed to say that I don't think I've ever voted in a presedential election. It's important every time, but this year feels particularly crucial. I've decided, for me, the issues to vote on are not taxes or the environment, but life and family. I am extremely aware, as a new life grows inside of me, of the horrible atrocity of abortion. I won't go on about it, but one candidate is not commited to protecting life and one is.
The family structure as God created it, male and female, is also at stake. If we allow the family unit to crumble, our nation will follow. The candidates are also very clear on their differences in this issue.
My vote is with life and family. God will have to take it from there because only He can direct the hearts of kings and leaders.