Little Ones to Him Belong

Well, I'm seeing the OB tomorrow. I called because I've had some spotting for a couple days. What's going on is within the realm of "normal" and I don't have any cramps or anything like that. I really wouldn't have bothered to call because I thought all they could really do is a blood test to tell me what my "levels" were and that would indicate whether or not the pregnancy was on track. I thought it was just a "Your levels are good" or "Your levels are low, so good luck" type thing. I figured I didn't need to pay someone just for that.
But, I talked to a friend of mine on the phone this afternoon and she mentioned that a friend of hers was spotting, went in, and they put her on progesterone because that level was particularly low and you need a certain amount to support a pregnancy. Since there may be something proactive that the OB would do in my situation (and I won't know unless I go) I decided to call and get an appointment.
I'm really being doubly attacked by fear this time. It's amazing what life experiences can bring to the table when it comes to the ease or lack thereof with which one can trust God. It's easier to question when you've had a bad experience. It's easier to give up on asking Him for things or claiming His will for your life when you've had a bad experience. This is all obvious to most people reading this, but I've been so blessed all my life and my faith hasn't been truly tested or taken to it's limits. I've been sheltered and, let's face it, I'm still very naive.
I refuse to let experience be the guidepost for my faith. Faith is the evidence of things not seen, not the result of the experiences of your life. I'm still trusting. I'm still hoping in God. I'm singing "Jesus Loves Me" because if I know nothing else, "this I know."

Worship Replaces Worry

I find that the fear in me can be easily overcome by praise. Makes sense. First of all, singing a praise song out loud kinda takes up some brain space that the fear was trying to access and secondly, if my focus is on God... whom shall I fear?
I also realized that my bouts with fear are indicative that I am too focused on my body and not on God. Really the prime example of looking at your own belly button instead of realizing that you have a Creator and your purpose is to worship Him.

Why so downcast, Oh my soul?
Put your hope in God
And bless the Lord, Oh my soul!

Bless the Lord!
He's the lifter of my countenance.
Bless the Lord!
He's the lifter of my head.

The TV Monster

I went from keeping Eden out of the living room if the TV was on, to allowing her in the room, but only because she wasn't really paying attention to the TV, to letting her watch a couple of 30 minute quality kids shows and then playing with her in her room, to not wanting to do anything else but lay on the couch and watch TV and not really caring that Eden's watching more TV now than ever. At least she's learning all sorts of decorating and fashion tips. Maybe she'll be an interior designer when she grows up, all because mom watched HGTV 5 hours a day with her. It's a little scary actually. I've decided that because it's only for a short time (until I get past this first few months of tired and ick), because she's not just sitting and watching, but playing in the same room, it's not programming that's teaching her bad behaviors or interactions, and because I'm just too tired to come up with other things for her to do right now, that I'm not going to stress over it.

The Icky's

I am eating some crackers and cheese right now... very tentatively. I wouldn't say that I've been feeling sick, but I've been feeling right on the verge. I really have to think about when I eat and how much and what. I can't just look at the clock and see that it's lunch time and make the same turkey and cheese sandwich I've been making almost every day for a few years now. (Is that sad?) I have to open the fridge and look at the turkey and imagine the sandwich and see what my stomach indicates. Today, for example, my stomach told me it would prefer a smoothie. Another example would be this morning at bible study, there was all sorts of yummy breakfast food, but the savory bacon and sausage casserole-type things that I would usually like, just weren't appealing at all.
I'm also learning that I start to feel icky if I wait too long to put something in my stomach. Snacks seem to be key. Thus the crackers and cheese. I started feeling blech after my shower this afternoon and realized that it was probably because my stomach was empty.
We'll see what happens at dinner tonight. I'm headed out to a restaurant with the girls from MOPS. I just looked at the menu online and most everything turned my stomach. Normal stuff like burgers, steak and chicken. I think I'll probably end up with a salad, but that could all change when I walk into the restaurant.
Our bodies do some pretty crazy things when pregnant huh?

First Update

Craving for this week: orange juice

This week since finding out we were pregnant has been the slowest week EVER. I'm not sure why, but I hope this time slowing doesn't continue. I need to get distracted or something. I think it might be because I'm just so doggone tired. I am taking one to two naps a day once again. Every time I wake up, I feel as though I have sunk halfway into the matress and been drugged. It takes about a half an hour of being on my feet to feel fully awake.
I worked out for the first time in a long time today. I did 25 minutes on the elliptical with no headphones or music. Blech! I've been strolling with the baby, either around the neighborhood or around the mall, but I hadn't been to the Y in a while. I take that back, I have been, but not at the times when childcare was available. I forgot to check that very important schedule before carting Eden all the way over there. oops.
I have had a few other memory/brain issues... but I can't recall them right now. Baby brain strikes yet again.

Another Leap of Faith

I wondered if I would begin posting here as soon as I got pregnant again, or if I would wait until the first trimester was over. I wondered if I would even tell anyone, but my close family...
I decided it would be a lack of faith and trust on my part not to jump in and begin the journey publicly. It's just me I'm talking about here, of course. I have no problem with others waiting to tell folks. In my heart, there would be a part of me, a part of my trust held back if I waited. So this is what I must do. As an act of faith and a step toward the One who has created the new life within me, I begin the journey again with you. I covet your prayers and I look forward to updating you on baby Upshaw's progress.
With trembling excitement,
Sara

PS. I think it's a neat little coincidence that the date of the last posting after the miscarriage is the new baby's due date.