Oh boy. . .

This is going to be harder than I thought.

On a typical day, Eden takes all her toys and strews them around her room.  I was ready for that.  It takes all of 1 minute to throw them all back in the bottom drawer of her dresser.
Today, the first day our house is on the market, she takes 3/4 of the wipes from the last package of wipes left in the house and wads them up on a shelf. I probably would have left the wadded up wipes there not realizing I needed to look for them except that she brought one to me to show me.  Can you imaging the buyers coming through the house and seeing a wad of wipes?  Even though they were clean, one wouldn't generally assume so.  ew!

I am suddenly more than extremely aware of how much Eden undoes the tidying I try to do.  I put the toys (these are toys she rarely touches) back in the bin in our room.  I leave for two minutes to put some clothes in the laundry, only to return and find toys out of the bin and on the floor.

I drape her blanket sweetly over her crib and set her teddy bear beside her pillow.  Typically, she plays with the two dolls and three blankets we keep out in the living room.  I return to her room minutes later to put away some clothes.  The blanket is on the floor (RIGHT NEXT TO THE CRIB which means she just pulled it down and walked away!) and the teddy bear has been dug out through the slats.  Sigh.  The pillow that usually stays on her rocking chair is on the floor to boot.

New strategies needed.

About Birth, Naturally

I love a birth story.  Mine are so special and meaningful that I now really love hearing others talk about their experiences bringing life into the world.
I had both of my girls without any pain medication.  I had pitocin about 24 hours into labor with my first and nothing but fluids through my IV with my second.  I do not plan on having a third and I'm really not sure if I did get pregnant again whether or not I would consider an epidural.  I'm pretty sure that, even though I would not really be looking forward to the depth of pain I have now already twice experienced, I would probably still be just as nervous about getting an epidural as I was the first two times.  My fear of what can go wrong with an epidural played a large part in driving me toward a natural birth.  I allowed myself to reconsider it as an option the second time, but still ended up preferring the pain over the unknown of the epidural.
My friend Ashley recently had her third child and, like me, had already had two natural births.  She allowed herself the option of an epidural for her third and has now experienced both sides of the coin, which many women cannot claim.  I have gotten a little bit of her story firsthand, but was so excited to see this entry on Facebook where she writes in better detail her feelings and convictions about her birth experiences.  If you're as interested in that kind of thing as I am, you can read her story below.

Lots of people have been asking me about my perspective on birth lately. They have been wondering why I chose to have an epidural during my third birth after having two previous natural births and also what the difference is, since most people only have experienced one way or the other. I thought I would write down my answers to the questions and my thoughts about it for anyone who is curious.

Why have natural birth in the first place? Choosing to have a natural birth is such a personal decision. Everyone has their reasons to have (or not have) a natural birth. I usually answer this question with another question: Why does anyone run a marathon? Why does anyone sky dive? Why does anyone climb a mountain? I wanted to have a natural birth because I was always interested in and curious about birth. I wondered what it would be like/feel like. I appreciated the process of birth and was amazed by the miracle that it is. I wanted to see what I was made of: How much can I take? How strong am I, physically, mentally, and emotionally? What does real pain actually feel like? I wanted to do it for connection: connection with my husband in the form of a (positive) trauma bond; connection with other women, now and from the past when they didn't have epidurals; connection with my baby who is experiencing the rawness of birth; connection with God, who promised I can do all things, who promised He would give me nothing I couldn't handle. I knew that having a natural birth was my best chance for avoiding a C-section or other interventions/complications of birth, and I was desperate for a good birth for reasons other than the norm. There were spiritual reasons, too; right or wrong, I was convicted by the fact that my husband would be spending his life fulfilling the curse of Adam (to work the "fields"), so I felt somewhat obligated to experience, at least once, Eve's punishment as well (to have "greatly increased pain in childbirth"). I also found out, after the fact, another spiritual aspect of the experience was that I was in complete awe of the choice Jesus made to go to the cross, after feeling a little bit of what real pain is like. Natural birth appealed to my sense of adventure; I wanted to have an odyssey. I had also heard of the amazing natural high that one gets after birthing naturally and I wanted to (and did) experience it. It lasted for weeks the first time, and warded off any baby blues that might have otherwise been there. I had also heard that birthing naturally helps you "turn on mothering" easier (I figured I needed all the help I could get) and breastfeed easier, due to the hormones released during labor and birth, and success in these two things were extremely important to me.

Why have an epidural after you've already done natural twice? The same reason everyone else gets an epidural. It hurts!! And, no, it doesn't get less painful each time...easier and faster, maybe, but not less painful. I was also feeling myself getting gripped with fear about the birth, due to a less than ideal birth experience with my second birth, and I felt I had to plan an epidural birth in order to let go of the fear. After my second birth, I swore to myself (and others present) that I would never have natural birth again unless I was in a better setting for natural birth, like home, a birth center of some kind, or at least a natural-friendly hospital (which doesn't exist in Mississippi). I also swore off natural birth unless I was to be surrounded by doulas, midwives, or at least other women who had birthed naturally (few to none of this exists here in Jackson MS). I was so tired of fighting to the death for my natural births and having people stare at me like "Why, you idiot?" while I was trying to focus on getting through a contraction, to still just be hooked up to pitocin AFTER the baby was out to-what?-deliver the placenta? Because that's hospital protocol?? (Btw, after working so hard to birth naturally, it sucks when they hook you up to pitocin and kill your birth high. Don't EVEN get me started.) I had also been having multiple dreams about having my baby (like, the actual birth), and in the dreams there was no pain or struggle of any kind. I'm a big believer in dreams and that some of them can be telling you something or explaining something, so I took it as a hint that this is the direction I should go. Also, with two other very small children plus Justin working like a dog all the time, especially during my entire 3rd trimester when birth preparation is important, I just didn't feel like Justin and I got to get prepared for, let alone even talk about, the upcoming birth. I wanted a free pass. A get-out-of-jail-free card, so to speak. A freebie. And I felt fine about it, since the reasons that I had a natural birth in the first place didn't really apply anymore: mothering has been turned on and locked in the "on" position; breastfeeding almost couldn't fail if I tried after over 3 years experience with my two other children; I had climbed my mountain, jumped out of my plane, run my marathon, etc; and I felt confident that my body was experienced enough at birth to be able to birth with an epidural without any other interventions (like narcotics or pitocin or episiotomy, etc).

What is the difference? There is absolutely no comparison. Apples to Oranges, people! Bad birth vs. good birth? No! Birthing naturally is a wonderful experience. The difference is having to labor vs. NOT having to labor at all! I'm telling you naturals that laboring with an epidural is like sitting here typing on the computer...there IS no labor. Whereas, feeling one's labor is actually really hard work, intense, pretty much indescribable. It's just a totally different experience.

Did I like the epidural? I liked not feeling the pain and not having to struggle and work through the labor. I did not like getting the epidural. It was just as scary as I thought it would be; it seemed so unnatural to be getting a procedure done when there was no medical problem, and it felt really weird. I also felt funny not having complete control over my body and having ports and things going into me from everywhere (the previous two times, I didn't even have an IV drip or monitors, so I was free to roam). And I hate needles...especially ones that go into your back. But, again, it was a wonderful experience to be able to sleep through centimeters 6-10 and then be completely mentally aware during pushing.

Do I wish I had had an epidural with the first two? No. All three births have been wonderful and memorable in their own ways. However, if I had my wishes, I would have had an epidural with my second birth and gone natural with this one because the hospital I was in this third time had a better bathtub and my water wasn't broken from the beginning (labor hurts more after the water is broken). I felt like I could have done it again once I reached my goal of getting to 5, but I didn't want to be fickle, and I had made my mind up not to change my mind about the epidural once I got there.

Am I going to have an epidural next time? Everyone assumes that I will now be an epidural convert, but I would say that now that I've had a little break, I will be more ready to face another natural birth next time (IF I'm back in Searcy or in some other birth-friendly hospital; Mom would never let me have a home birth). I don't promise anyone anything, because it's not about proving anything to anyone, but time will tell.

The Bravest Affair

As we have just recently passed the 5 year mark as husband and wife, my mind has been filled with thoughts about longevity, commitment, promises and integrity.
This is an amazing post that I wanted to share with all of you.  Please read.  It's not very long, but it's very deep, very true and very encouraging in it's honesty.  You will be touched, whether married for 50 years or just considering it in the future.
The Bravest Affair a Woman Can Have

Giving Daily

wow.

I bet all of us could do a version of this.  Giving is good for us.  We should all do it daily.  The challenge has been presented.