Serious Stuff

I occasionally read a blog by singer/songwriter/worship leader (and many more titles) Kelly Clinger, who I met at church here in Jackson.  She now lives in Atlanta.  Her blogs are powerful looks into the totally exposed heart of a woman struggling with hard issues like abortion, pre-marital sex and finding value in herself through God's eyes.
This particular post really interested me because of the title: Why I think purity rings, contraception and abstinence conferences aren't the answer to promiscuity...

I couldn't read it without something being stirred in me.  It's a subject that lies just below the surface in my thoughts and heart and one that is VERY important to me as I raise two girls.

I wanted to share my response here.  If for no other reason, to document it for myself.  I hardly ever use this blog for uber-serious purposes, but this uber-serious subject is directly related to child rearing, so I feel this belongs here.

Here is what I wrote:
I was homeschooled beginning in 7th grade, immersed in abstinence talks and books, wore the purity ring my dad gave me, etc.
Although I came closer than I would have liked to the ultimate line (intercourse) I had set for myself, I did not cross it and was able to stay quite far from it (never even kissed anyone) until the end of college.
I do regret the intimacy I did share with my now husband before we were married and I do not consider my goals to be totally pure for my wedding day a success, BUT I do think there is something to be gained by my experience and the fact that I was able to stay pure longer than many/most.
I wanted to add a bit of an addendum to your thoughts and tell you what I think my parents did right besides just the ring and the drawing of lines and the drilling of "cannots"...
I was taught that it was my responsibility to protect the hearts of my brothers in Christ, but really every other guy's as well. I was taught to keenly feel the reality of their future, consider their future wife and family and respect that relationship even before it was a reality. Protecting their hearts encompassed WAAAAY more than just the physical and went way beyond intercourse. Flirting, making promises with my words or even my eyes, being a tease, leading them to believe in any way that there was some sort of ownership of affections was stepping out of bounds as a girl/woman of God. One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Emma." She is speaking with Mr. Elton in a carriage and he whispers something to her. She responds, "Sit back! And kindly refrain from the intimacy of whispering." 
Dressing so as not to be a distraction was part of it too. This is soooo extreme and I don't want to end up in "potato sack" land here where women aren't allowed to look beautiful, but our culture is so accepting of being flirtatious and, all too young, girls learn to play with the emotions/physical responses of boys. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I never doubted my love and acceptance from Christ or my parents. I was confident and well-grounded in the Word. I agree with you that without knowing Who to look to for your fulfillment, the lust of the flesh will surely step in and offer to fill the void. But I think that on top of that, there needs to be a new kind of responsibility placed on our young Christian men and women. A responsibility to protect the hearts of their peers. If we focused on that responsibility then sex wouldn't even be a part of the picture because they wouldn't be anywhere close to it. 
"Innocent" activities holding hands, sending love letters and making eyes which all equal tangling hearts up in one another all eventually lead to the same end, whether they actually end there or not. We expect our children to participate in all these "cute" activities. Then they end up having to resist the natural desires that follow to "seal the deal" so to speak (these desires become more prominent/harder to resist the more practice/exposure they get). It's a natural progression that God put in place that we often encourage our kids to start and then are disappointed in them if they can't stop the snowball that has become an avalanche.
Back to my own experience. It was only after I became lax in my commitment to protect the hearts of the guys around me and decided I wanted to be selfish and have some "fun" that I lost focus and kissed a guy (first time at 22) and progressed from there (all with Chuck, praise the Lord).

So, to summarize. I think it is of first and foremost importance for a young woman's/man's worth and fulfillment to be found in the One who created them. Secondly, I think it is every young person's responsibility to treat the emotions and desires of other people with the utmost respect and not as things to be taken, toyed with, or even awakened unless you have the intent of committing to that individual for the rest of your life on this earth. Whose responsibility is it to teach this? Parents, of course. Is this likely to happen? No, because hardly anyone thinks this way. I think abstinence conferences need to be "responsibility of the heart" conferences because if a young people start to be concerned about the "intimacy of whispering" they won't be as likely to struggle with whether or not to jump in bed.